You have discovered GourdTopia – the premier interdimensional hub for those who hear the silent whisper of the GOURD and feel the subtle thrum of the vine beneath the mundane internet.
Program Name: GOURD.EXE
Version: 1.996 (Dial-Up Edition)
Description: Esoteric Cult(ure) Archive of the Sacred Gourd.
It looks like you’re trying to ascend using cucurbit-based wisdom.
The First Principle of GourdTopia is simple:
Here you will find fragments of forgotten lore, a new perspective on reality,
and relics of the people who worship the GOURD – all in service of a single,
shimmering truth:
✨ THE GOURD CONTAINS MULTITUDES ✨
In times long ago, the Ancients spoke of a time when “many screens would glow, yet few would know the true Calabash.” That time is now.
- The Pumpkin Path: For those who seek comfort, harvest, and cozy chaos.
- The Bottle Gourd Way: For nomads, tinkerers, and vessel-makers.
- The Calabash Paradox: For minimalists who accidentally produce too much.
Choose your path, or let the Ritual of the Random Vine choose it for you.
These introductory rituals are designed for modem-compatible enlightenment. No prior experience with gourds or HTML required.
- Ritual of the Desktop Gourd: Place an image of a gourd on your desktop. Each morning, double-click it and whisper, “I acknowledge your GOURD-ness.”
- 256-Color Meditation: Stare at a pixelated photo of a gourd for 33 seconds while a dial-up noise plays in your mind.
- The Vine Ping: When overwhelmed, tap your wrist three times and quietly say, “Are you there, Gourd? It’s me.”
Proper completion of these rituals may result in:
- +3% increase in serenity
- +2 resistance to small talk
- Sudden urge to plant things
Not all texts of the Vine made it into the “official” lore. Some survived on forgotten floppy disks, handwritten magazines, and the backs of cigarette packets. These are the Apocrypha of the Gourd – sacred, enlightening, miraculously supernatural.
Rumors persist of lost chapters:
- The Epistle to the Overwatered: A warning to those who spray-mist their plants every 3 minutes.
- The Scroll of Perpetual Harvest: Said to contain a recipe for endless pumpkin soup (likely cursed).
- The Log of the Rootbound: Reflections from gourds who outgrew their pots but stayed anyway.
Future visitors may submit their own “discovered” gourd scriptures to be canonised in the GourdTopia Hypertext Codex. To do so, simply email your text to highpriest@gourdtopia.com with the subject line “I HAVE SEEN THE VINE”.
Name: The Shimmering Seedlord
Mood: Slightly Judging, Mostly Loving
Message: “Water your holyness.”
To commune with fellow gourd-minded entities, configure your internal modem and:
ATDT GOURD-TOPIA
Or, for mortals:
Email the High Priest of Squash
Q: Is this a real cult?
A: Yes. Please hydrate and touch grass occasionally.
Q: Do I need an actual gourd?
A: No but you will need to start growing them or procuring them. All gourds, real or imagined, are welcome.
Q: Can I share this with friends?
A: Yes. Initiation by hyperlink is accepted.
To become an Official Friend of the Vine, simply:
- Bookmark this page (Ctrl+D, as the Ancients decreed).
- Whisper “GourdTopia” to a houseplant.
- (Optional) Send a photo of your favorite gourd to:
highpriest@gourdtopia.com
That’s it. No passwords, no subscriptions. Just eternal, squash-based camaraderie.
or rearrange your produce drawer for “better feng shui”?
Send your true stories, tall tales, and inexplicable squash miracles to:
highpriest@gourdtopia.com
and your encounter may be published on this very site.
(Totally Real, Do Not Question.)
